Grad sensitivity

As I stare into my closet, trying to decide what I want to wear today, I suddenly became paranoid. Because I am still trying to introduce and present myself to the grad program. People are still getting to know me, my 12 year old fashion sense, and special brand of humor. And today I have my first African drama class. For the first time since junior high (first dates excluded), I worry about what my clothes say about me. Can't wear the cool deconstructed earth tone tank for fear it might suggest that I subliminally consider African drama piecey or primitive. But on the other end, wearing any of my 7 Shakespeare shirts seems to support the Dead White Man, the Coloniser. Skipped past the Lilith Fair t-shirt, but not because I am a closet women's studies girl (like one of the other new PhDs - which just seems to defeat the purpose).

And it happened yesterday too! I was running late for the first class in Cultural Studies in the Chicano/a Studies department. Apologized profusely and sat down. When asked to introduce myself, I used the more correct Spanish/French sounding pronunciation of my last name. Like it somehow gave me street-cred to be in the class when I was in Theatre-Dance. I was selling out, only in reverse!

A quick note about my last name. I generally use a more anglicanized pronunciation for 2 reasons. 1. Most people panic trying to say it correctly, and the short-i sound is just more familiar. 2. The short-i sound is more assonant with my first name. It just goes. And when people use the more ethnic pronunciation of my last name, my first name sounds out of place.

Now I am in a place where people are more likely to know how to pronounce my last name correctly. Which has me facing a dilemma - do I use the correct and also ethnic pronunciation because I can/should? Or do I continue introducing myself as I always have, because it's what I consider MY name?

In my graduate-school world of theory, analysis and hyper-awareness, I notice these things. I just have to remind myself of what our crusty Greek professor said to one of my classmates - "You worry about the dumbest things."

on Pandora: "My Own Good" - Louis